Monday, January 8, 2018

Hey there guys. It's been awhile. And hot damn, I really do mean it this time. Hey. Hi. How are you? 

A lot has changed since my last post, it's only a few months shy of a year ago, so I suppose that much is obvious. I turned 25. I cut all my hair off. I moved to Arizona. Coco is almost two. Lots of things. All the things, really. Plus this awesome jumpsuit. This post will be a long one, and then I'll probably do a few catch up posts of photos I took before I went on break. (Or maybe one long post...thoughts?) It feels good to be back. If you don't want to read a giant, and I do mean giant rant about my life then I suggest stopping after all the pretty pictures.


So, let's just dive right in, shall we? I left. I left and I didn't want to and I've missed it so much I can't even describe, but I had to let something go and it had to be blogging. I was overwhelmed. I was drowning. I was losing my mind. There was too much on my plate and instead of being able to pile it on like I always had in the past, I now had a kid and that strategy didn't work anymore. I was a 24/7 stay at home single mom, I was blogging, and I was trying to do photography full time, so essentially trying to juggle three full-time jobs. Ever tried to have a job that relies 90% on at-home computer work while being the sole care taker for a kid who moves around more every day? It's essentially impossible. I debated driving into a tree. Then I debated driving into a pole when I decided I didn't want to hurt a tree. No Coco wasn't in the car with me when I wrestled with this, and no I'm not saying it for sympathy so you don't have to make a deal of it. I'm saying it to be real, because I've always been real with you guys and I don't plan to stop now. Things were bad. Things were really bad. I cut out blogging because it wasn't offering any financial support, and while I loved it, I needed to try to do something that was going to pay some bills. I was already on food stamps. (I still am.) I had to do what was going to stop me from having mental breakdowns every other day, so I did. Things got better. Not easier, but better.

In the meanwhile, I've been trying desperately to stay on top of my photography work, which I'll admit I am also not good at right now, but it has to be ok because my kid is the most important thing and if putting all my time and energy into her means I'll also have to put my photography career on hold after I finish up with what's on my plate, that's ok too. I'm learning I can't expect from myself what I once could when all my time, attention, and energy are going towards raising another human being. I'm also learning to let that be ok. I'm getting back into blogging because I love it and I feel like I'm in a place to pick it up again. I'm excited to.

I also decided to dip my toe into the waters of findomme with a friend last April, and this is probably the only time I'll devote blog space to this, but transparency is cool and so is being open about sex work because sex work is work just like anything else. Before I continue, I'm going to say that if you want to talk to me about this in any capacity other than a positive or curious one, then you can save it and your anti-feminist attitudes because I don't care. Sorry not sorry. Anyways, I joined twitter under a cute alias and started tweeting things that fell under my very misinformed understanding of findomme. (Findomme stands for financial domination and is, at it's core, a fetish for giving someone money who you deem to be superior to you. Usually this comes along with some shit talking on the part of the dominant, or some other form of degradation, but more often than not also combines other fetishes and forms of sex work as well. However the fetish in it's purity is giving someone money.) I continued to do this casually from my phone for months and yes, I made money. It also opened my eyes to the world of sex work, the wonderfully inspirational femmes who do it, and a deeper understanding of sexuality, and kink. It's fun. I love it. I moved away from the comically new approach of most who hear of findomme and create a twitter to spew things like "fuck you pay me," and came into my own version of a cute spoiled princess, which, let's be real, I am. I expanded into doing more full time. I went to Vegas for the first time to meet some of the awesome femmes I connected with online. We filmed a video of glitter being smacked onto each other's asses, which yes was just as fun as it sounds, and yes is a thing. Lately I plan to get more into camming. It's fun. Sooooooo yep. Judge away. There is no room for your SWEF here.

What else? I finally made it to Arizona. I miss my friends. The drive down here, which I got to make all by myself was absolutely wonderful. I cried tears of joy when I crossed the state line of Arizona and it hit me that I didn't have to go back. This was home now. Tucson isn't everything I wanted it to be though, and I'm excited to explore areas that feel more like home. I'd be lying if I said I didn't debate moving back to Washington. Yes I hate the weather, but in some ways I feel like I moved too late. All my friends are there (except you Hannah, don't think I'm not thinking of, and thankful for, you!) and it feels like I should have left when I was in college if I wanted to be established somewhere else. But I'm here now and making the most of it and look at those damn cacti!

And I turned 25. And I cut my hair off. And I've decided to take this year for self-growth and positive change and really inspirational tweets. (Do you even follow @yeoshinlourdes or @theslumflower or @iambrillyant ? Do it now.) I'm sure I left things out, but that's the big stuff. Oh yeah! I tried Tinder. Man, fuck Tinder. Did you know it notifies you when you hit a proverbial "milestone" of people liking you? Yesterday it was like "blah blah blah 5,000 people have liked you blah" and it just felt all kinds of weird and gross.

If you made it this far then I'm impressed and also thank you. Thank you for being interested and thank you for reading and hell, thank you for still being here after basically a year. I love you. I'm glad to be back.


  1. Happy 25th Birthday, Mariah. I love you and am so proud of you in all your ventures. You’re a great mom. You’re a great domme. You’re a great photographer. I love you forever and hope 25 is a year of reclamation, financial prosperity, and relational depth. <3 Love, Jenny

    1. Thank you so so very much my most darling Jenny.
      I love you too and your constant support in everything I do means the absolute world to me in a way I don't think I'll ever be able to truly express.
      I hope I get to see you again soon. I miss you and adore you.

  2. Glad to see you back to blogging. I love being able to read your real life Mom-ing posts. I hope things get easier for you.

    1. Thank you so very much! That means the world to me!