Four Months

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Lately I feel like I'm drowning. I don't say this to be dramatic, I say it to be real. Coco is four months old now (if you didn't pick that up from the post title), and things are easier, and yet harder, than ever. I have too much on my plate. I know I have too much on my plate, but there is nothing for me to do but work through it and try to deal. As a person who has always functioned extremely well under high-stress circumstances, I find this floundering feeling to be completely foreign and anxiety inducing. This isn't to say I haven't cracked before, because I have all the time. Cracking has become a regular part of how I function. I stress, I overwork, I put things off, I stress some more, I breakdown, freakout, cry, feel better, and repeat. I considered (well, I still usually do) myself a high-functioning mess. I could champion stress. I could make stress my motivator. Stress pushed me onwards and without it I didn't know what to do. Relaxing is a freaking joke to me. And yet despite all of this, lately I feel myself losing it, slipping into the realm of lost and terrified that if I stop paddling against the current pushing back at me, I'll go under and never come up again. I have never allowed myself anything less than (at least attempted) perfection, I have found this to be my greatest weakness and my greatest strength, but functioning is different when you are surrounded by things you can't control, like a baby, an anxious dog, and a boyfriend with depression, and lord knows I don't like being out of control. I control everything, and when I stress I get worse. Everything gets worse. My anxiety skyrockets, and my OCD, which I make jokes about and consider mild at best, turns into an actual problem. And no, I don't mean the "haha I can only write in blue or it drives me crazy" OCD, or the, "lol my house is so neat, I'm just so OCD" kind of mockery people make out of OCD, but I mean waking up at 3am and remaking the bed because the blanket isn't aligned with the sheets anymore, or not being able to eat something unless it is made, served, and eaten in a very specific and usually agonizingly time consuming manner. I feel like a dick for telling my friends that I have no time to hang out because I'm so swamped, but until they have a kid, a house to clean, a business to run, and a blog to keep up, there is no earthly way for them to understand me. Sometimes I try to force myself to do something therapeutic with my free time, like reading, but that's not even enjoyable because I am still reading this damn book that I am growing to hate and find no joy in, but I can't start something else until I finish that book because I just can't
Excuse me while I exhale.
Here are some cute family photos.
I love my life, I do, but sometimes it is also so suffocating. 
I am surrounded with laundry that needs to be done as I type this and it is nagging at me like a mosquito that won't leave you alone and keeps zipping by your ears, you know at some point it's going to get you, but it's impossible to know when.











::M::
FOREVER 21 TOP & SHORTS :: SPERRY'S :: RAY BANS
::COCO::
OLD NAVY CO-ORD & SHOES
::ME::
TJ MAXX PANTS :: H&M TOP :: FOREVER 21 HEADBAND :: WALMART SHOES :: BRACELET C/O BELA BRACELETS :: MAC LIPSTICK IN SOFT HINT

I want to reiterate that I don't mean to tell you all of this to be drama, or ridiculous, or whatever, but that I say it because as a mother I find keeping things real more important than ever. Pretending we're all fine all the time does nothing but keep us all hiding how fucked up things can get, and creates a greater sense of struggle, fear, and alienation. I am so sick of all the people who pretend they live in this perfect little world where nothing touches them because it's disgusting and hurtful. And no, I'm also not saying that you can't be happy, because if you ask just about anyone I'm sure they'd tell you I'm one of the happiest people they know, and it's because I am. I am positivity and sunshine incarnate about 90% of the time, but the other 10% I am this, and this anxiety, this stress, this OCD, this mess is just as much a part of me as that is. Just because Michael isn't depressed all the time doesn't mean we can just smile and laugh and pretend it won't ever come back again when it goes away, because it will, and while we may not all suffer from depression, we all have our struggles, and airing them out is so so so so so so so important. So this is me, sitting at my keyboard and ignoring my laundry to tell you that some days I am drowning, and while that SUCKS, it is also a part of my life right now. Some days I want to run away, even if it was just to a coffee shop without Michael or Coco or anyone so I could sit there and read a damn magazine. But I can't. Breastfeeding keeps me tied to this baby 24/7. And don't even talk to me about pumping because it fucking sucks. There is nothing relaxing about finally "getting away" only to have to pump yourself like a milk cow. So I'm stuck in this new version of my life right now. I know I'll adjust and it'll get easier and all that, but right now it is hard, and that's ok. And yes, my baby is the cutest one you've ever seen. 

7 comments:

  1. Oh man, I feel this so much. I don't suffer from OCD or depression, but some days I just feel outta control so bad. I am essentially happy. On most days, if you were to ask me, yes, I am happy and everything is pretty good. But there are always those days when everything is CRAP and that little bit of PPD left flares up again, and I cannot deal with life. The other night Asa was awake until about 4am, and I hadn't slept yet. He alternated between being "asleep" and being hysterical. At 3am after a bout of particularly shattering emoting on Asa's part, I had to go in and wake up my husband because I literally felt like I might do something very bad to my child if I didn't remove myself from the situation.

    Motherhood is amazing and babies are cute, but it's also SO HARD. Especially when you're breastfeeding, and tied to a baby 24/7. I am SO READY to wean Evie. So ready. It's been a year, and I'm ready to be done. It's a magical connection that I'll miss when it's gone, but oh my word the freedom I'll have!!!

    Anyway. Message me if you ever wanna vent. <3

    And yes. She IS the cutest baby! Seriously she is beautiful. And so are you.

    xoxoxo
    Kristina

    ReplyDelete
  2. PREACH, GIRL!! We all have experience with anxiety and a lot of people have their quirks - but it is SUCH a pet peeve when people are all "oh man I am so OCD" No, actually, you're not. I don't have OCD. I am just a neat freak and am a very organized individual. Even though I don't have OCD it bothers me tremendously when everyone claims they do. Same with ADD. My boyfriend actually does have ADD and when I hear people who are just distracted by something be all "Oh man, my ADD is kicking in!" It's like, GTFO. People who really do have these disorders don't joke about them.

    OK sorry, that wasn't supposed to turn into a rant but I digress!

    I appreciate this post - not everything in life is sunshine and butterflies. I hope you feel better soon (or in between bouts of I CANT DO THIS!). Luckily you have Michael by your side (as I have my BF, Cody) to try to balance some of it out.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Good for you, girl. My first time reading your blog and I happened to get this post, but even so, you have to keep it real. It allows other people to be real, too. And motherhood is immensely difficult! And people pretend that it's not. Anyway, blessings and here's hoping it gets better soon, but thanks for being real and encouraging others even from the pits of writing this. Go be a good momma and give yourself a break when you can. Even if that means eating blueberries because it makes you happy. �� lots of love!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Good for you, girl. My first time reading your blog and I happened to get this post, but even so, you have to keep it real. It allows other people to be real, too. And motherhood is immensely difficult! And people pretend that it's not. Anyway, blessings and here's hoping it gets better soon, but thanks for being real and encouraging others even from the pits of writing this. Go be a good momma and give yourself a break when you can. Even if that means eating blueberries because it makes you happy. �� lots of love!

    ReplyDelete
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