Instax Mini 8

Monday, August 3, 2015

I'm not good at pretending things are ok when they're not. I'm not good at concealing when I'm sad. I'm not good at covering pain with jokes and sarcasm. I've always worn my heart on my sleeve and fully felt the extent of all my emotions. Some people have thought this makes me weak, but I like love the way that I am. I want to feel everything, even if it hurts. Emotions do not equal weakness. And now you're most certainly wondering where this all is coming from. Honestly, I keep yo-yoing back and forth on whether I should even say. If speaking a thing makes it real than typing it for anyone to see definitely breathes life into it, and I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. As much as I am hurting, some small aspect of denial gives me comfort, even if it is ridiculous to find shelter in such false places. 

Michael got me this Instax Mini as a late graduation gift a little while back. We were going to use to it document all of our fun dates and adventures whenever we could squeeze them in. It was planned for me and him, and let's just say that that isn't going to be happening anymore...or at least any time soon. For now, it is sitting on my desk and the photos are sitting in my room. Memories are such weird things because in retrospect everything is sepia toned and happy. Nostalgia is funny like that.









::PHOTOS BY M::
ASIAN ICANDY DRESS :: LUCKY BRAND SANDALS :: E-GLASSES C/O POLETTE :: J. CAT BEAUTY LIP PENCIL IN CARAMEL MOCHA

Apparently Asian iCandy no longer sells this dress, which is a huge bummer because it's amazing and more people who's names start with "M" need to have it. Although that could also be when they didn't restock it. If your name isn't Mariah, or Mary, or whatever other "M" name, then the M embroidery probably isn't at all appealing, and no, it did not come with any other letter options.

I know it may seem like I'm avoiding talking about the above mentioned things, and well, that's because I am. We're both having a really hard time and sometimes much reflection is needed before  any action. No one is "the bad guy." No one is to blame. We still love each other very much, but for now it just wasn't meant to be, and even if you step into the ring willing to fight until the end, you can't do so unless there is someone else in the ring with you. And that's all I'm going to say for now. Well, and that I love you guys. I wanted to share not for your sympathy, but for the sake of realness. I love you and this little space we share, and I don't want to have to fake it with you, so I'm not going to. The last few days have really sucked for me, but it will get better, heartbreak and all.

20 comments:

  1. Mariah, I so appreciate your honesty and bravery. Heartbreak is something almost all of us experiences, but saying that doesn't make it any easier. Hang in there, and the most important thing you need to do right now is love yourself and take care of yourself. You will get better one day, even if right now you can't see it.

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    1. Thank you so much for your comment. You're so right that I need to take time for myself. It's mostly just weird being alone after all this time.
      ♡Mariah Alysz

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  2. I love this look and I hope everything works out!

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    1. Thank you so very much!
      ♡Mariah Alysz

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  3. Sweet girl, I am so sorry to hear about this. I really admire you for posting about it in the way you have, and I think you're handling it remarkably well (at least publicly). I still mention my (nearly two years old) breakup on occasion when I feel like I need to be honest, and the response has always been very reassuring. It's a scary thing to be so vulnerable, but it's also a beautiful thing. Things WILL get better, I promise. I didn't believe that myself when my ex and I broke up, and it took me a loooong time to feel okay again... but it'll happen. And in the meantime, I hope you can stay busy and creative and surrounded by people who love you. Always here if you need anything.

    xoxox Sammi

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    1. Sammi,
      I always feel so lucky to have become your friend over these last few years.You support means so much to me. I honestly start feeling guilty when I feel ok. Like I feel bad for the days when things are good because I know Michael is in a much worse place than I am. Things definitely get better over time, and having so much love in return for my honesty is an amazing thing. I just love and admire you so much. I feel we are quite kindred spirits.
      ♡Mariah Alysz

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  4. I'm so sorry to hear you're going through a tough time :( heart break is the worst, and there's nothing that can instantly hull the pain. Hope you feel better soon <3

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    1. Thank you very much.
      ♡Mariah Alysz

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  5. Big big hugs, lovely! I hope this is not a permanent thing for you and M, and that things start to turn around soon! But if it is permanent, I'll be here to support you! I love your honesty in your posts; it's the most beautiful thing.
    xo
    Kristina

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    1. Kristina,
      Thank you so much for your always constant love and kindness with whatever I have to share. Right now I'm thinking things won't be fixed between us, but I'm also in a place where that's ok. I'm taking time for me and figuring things out one day at a time.
      ♡Mariah Alysz

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  6. Big hug girl! I find hurting and not pretending that things are ok are very important for healing, with time everything starts looking different. I really can't express it, but there is one day, something, even the slightest silly thing makes a click on me and everything is then downhill from there. Hope the click is near for you! Oh! and I love your dress, I would love to own it even my name does not start with an M (does having it in the middle count? ha! ;) )

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    1. You are so very right about that "click." I feel like I have a series of small ones within my healing process. But things are looking up for me right now.
      And I think having a middle initial totally counts!
      ♡Mariah Alysz

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  7. Hang in there, girlfriend. Everything works out in the end - sometimes it's not the ideal ending but you'll grow from this and you never know what's to come! I wish you (and Michael) all the best!

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    1. Thank you so much Sara. We definitely consciously chose to end it while things were still good between us instead of dragging it out and letting things get nasty, and I must say that I am really thankful for that moment of clarity. Right now I'm focusing on friends and just enjoying life. You're kindness is always so appreciated.
      ♡Mariah Alysz

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  8. Your candidness is beautiful - prayers for you, Lovely! Alex

    http://tobebeautifulingodseyes.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you so much Alex! It really means a lot
      ♡Mariah Alysz

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  9. I love your awesomeness in embracing who you are, emotions and all, through all of this. I totally relate to the feeling guilty about the ease, and wish you lots of good things to come. I love that you say that these experiences bring us closer to who we're really supposed to be and be with, too. So true! I'm so glad that you write about this stuff. Lots of love! E

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    1. Thank you so very much Elizabeth! I truly means a lot, especially when I have such awesome and supportive people like you to let me know I'm doing a good job of being open and aware.
      ♡Mariah Alysz

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  10. I am also not good at hiding my emotions. People instantly know when something's wrong, although sometimes I look like something is wrong when everything is fine, haha. I always say it's best to be honest. You don't have to lay out every single detail, but life isn't perfect so why pretend that it is? You wrote so wonderfully about this in such a graceful way. I hope that you keep your head up and feel better in time. I know you will. <3

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    1. Sara, thank you so much for your always open and kind comments. I think emotions are highly underrated, and that more people need to share them. It's always nice knowing there are other people out there who can't hide what they're feeling either. I think there is such beauty in it.
      ♡Mariah Alysz

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