Sometimes I'm worried my friends will think I've turned into the world's biggest jerk. I never have time for them, and I'm worried they'll take it personally. On the days Michael and I both have off I schedule client meetings and photoshoots, and unless I do something extremely last minute, I don't usually do anything at all. I feel like people think I'm making excuses if I tell them I'll have some free time in two weeks, but unless I plan super far in advance, or you're free right this second because Coco is awake and we're ready to go, then it just isn't happening. I feel bad, and yet I don't. The fact is that having a kid pretty much places everyone in your life into two distinct groups: those who have children and those who don't. Those who don't can't possibly understand what you're dealing with, and are probably unequipped to make all the adjustments you need to make to hang out. No I can't get drinks. No I can't come over (unless you want baby spit-up all over your place). No I can't be out past six because CJ goes to bed at seven. Do you have all your shots? Do you have the sniffles? Do you want to pause whatever we're doing every hour so I can feed and/or change and/or nap the baby? There are exceptions to my two groups, but they are very rare. And I am not bashing on my friends without kids. Believe me I would love to be able to go catch a movie at eight, or whatever, but I just can't anymore. Unless you want to get coffee, go to the park, or go out to eat and allow me to be anywhere from five minutes early to twenty minutes late, then it's not happening. I want to be sorry, but that's just mom life.
Thursday, October 6, 2016
Michael and I had our last wedding of the year on October 2nd, and I needed something to wear. I like to get at least semi-nice looking when I shoot events, and that has become almost impossible with breastfeeding. The last few weddings we did I wore clothes that somewhat facilitated it, and it just made things complicated and time consuming, so before the big day, my mom and I hit up Forever 21 in search of some affordable, wedding appropriate, breast feeding friendly attire. (Yes I know that F21 probably isn't the most ethical, but I'm broke as hell.) My mom was kind enough to pick me up a few outfits, but these ridiculous pants were what I ended up being the most excited about. Something about their 80's business woman cut and awkward almost flesh toned peachy color really appealed to the soft spot I have for ugly clothing in a way that nothing has for a long time. Is it the thrill of trying to style something I know most people would find repulsive? Who knows. But I am obsessed.
Friday, September 30, 2016
As a mom, I am often forced to make the sad decision between fashion and function. I aim for being as cutely comfortable as I can, but I will be the first to admit that I am not at my usual level of quirky stylin'. What with the very, very high possibility of spit up ending up on my clothes and needing to be able to easily access a boob, a lot of my wardrobe options went out the window, and with baby wearing/carrying, a lot of my cute shoes got the boot as well (pun so intended). Essentially I'm saying that all wedges and open back dresses and whatever else are on hold until next year when I will no longer be breastfeeding, and it is fucking tragic. I won't sit here and pretend that one of the things that initially made me want to try switching to formula was the complete and total havoc breastfeeding wreaked on my wardrobe options. Obviously I didn't stop so unbunch your underthings, but that isn't to say I'm not still mourning my loss of fash. This is why more than ever am I beyond excited when I come across things that are cute and mom life friendly, and these Loly's are perfectly both.
Thursday, September 22, 2016
Lately I feel like I'm drowning. I don't say this to be dramatic, I say it to be real. Coco is four months old now (if you didn't pick that up from the post title), and things are easier, and yet harder, than ever. I have too much on my plate. I know I have too much on my plate, but there is nothing for me to do but work through it and try to deal. As a person who has always functioned extremely well under high-stress circumstances, I find this floundering feeling to be completely foreign and anxiety inducing. This isn't to say I haven't cracked before, because I have all the time. Cracking has become a regular part of how I function. I stress, I overwork, I put things off, I stress some more, I breakdown, freakout, cry, feel better, and repeat. I considered (well, I still usually do) myself a high-functioning mess. I could champion stress. I could make stress my motivator. Stress pushed me onwards and without it I didn't know what to do. Relaxing is a freaking joke to me. And yet despite all of this, lately I feel myself losing it, slipping into the realm of lost and terrified that if I stop paddling against the current pushing back at me, I'll go under and never come up again. I have never allowed myself anything less than (at least attempted) perfection, I have found this to be my greatest weakness and my greatest strength, but functioning is different when you are surrounded by things you can't control, like a baby, an anxious dog, and a boyfriend with depression, and lord knows I don't like being out of control. I control everything, and when I stress I get worse. Everything gets worse. My anxiety skyrockets, and my OCD, which I make jokes about and consider mild at best, turns into an actual problem. And no, I don't mean the "haha I can only write in blue or it drives me crazy" OCD, or the, "lol my house is so neat, I'm just so OCD" kind of mockery people make out of OCD, but I mean waking up at 3am and remaking the bed because the blanket isn't aligned with the sheets anymore, or not being able to eat something unless it is made, served, and eaten in a very specific and usually agonizingly time consuming manner. I feel like a dick for telling my friends that I have no time to hang out because I'm so swamped, but until they have a kid, a house to clean, a business to run, and a blog to keep up, there is no earthly way for them to understand me. Sometimes I try to force myself to do something therapeutic with my free time, like reading, but that's not even enjoyable because I am still reading this damn book that I am growing to hate and find no joy in, but I can't start something else until I finish that book because I just can't.
Excuse me while I exhale.
Here are some cute family photos.
I love my life, I do, but sometimes it is also so suffocating.
I am surrounded with laundry that needs to be done as I type this and it is nagging at me like a mosquito that won't leave you alone and keeps zipping by your ears, you know at some point it's going to get you, but it's impossible to know when.
Sunday, September 11, 2016
It is rare that I will approach a company about a collaboration. I usually wait for people to come to me. I often just don't feel truly inspired by anything enough to suggest styling an item. There are a handful of companies/people that I repeatedly work with (read: Loly in the sky, Adorned By Chi), but otherwise I tend to post what I wear and wait for people to hit me up. It's not the most effective, but I have a baby, so I don't really care.
Enter Bela Bracelets.
I was casually scrolling through my Insta feed the other day and I came across this photo of @sandyalamode wearing bracelets to hold her hair ties. I was stunned. Why isn't everyone wearing these? These things are freaking genius! They're revolutionary! They'll save the world! (Ok, maybe not that last one, but the others.) I immediately hit up the lovely people behind Bela Bracelets (two sisters, if you were curious) and suggested a collab, not really expecting them to be interested since Sandy has basically a million more followers than I do.Plot twist: they were totally down, and thus this review (and giveaway!) were born.